Re-Branding Yourself

Remember a few years ago when Taco Bell was being sued for false advertising over the percentage of beef content of the meat their used in their food. The claims were that their "Taco Meat Filling" was only 36% beef. The rest was fillers. Taco Bell fought the suit and it was eventually dropped. However, I feel like this was a lost opportunity for the folks at Taco Bell. Just think about the possible advantages for them to have gone along with the claims of the law suit.

1) They could have marketed their menu items as "vegetarian friendly." This would have brought in a number of health-conscious customers.

Come on, this food has to be fit for vegetarians!

2) They could have marketed their menu items as "diet food." I can't think of a time that I've eaten their food where I feel like I didn't end up losing more in weight than I ate after the subsequent trip to the bathroom. Possibly they could have chosen to market their food as a laxative in a tortilla.

Speaking of laxatives: Haribo Sugarless Gummy Bears. Just read the product reviews. I am surprised that they haven't already thought to embrace the reviews and repackage these gummy bears as some sort of stool softener.

Now that we've gone down this disgusting road, you may wonder how this applies to anything on this blog. Well, I'll tell you.

When I published The Complete Bubby Anthology, I decided to embrace the fact that it was not ever going to win any awards or land on the New York Times bestseller list. I've gone so far as to admit that the book "sucks."

So, unlike the aforementioned products, I've embraced the negative side of my book. However, I think my lack of sales results more from not re-branding the negativity as something strangely positive. Perhaps I'm struggling to identify a positive spin because I am too close to the project. So, if you have any ideas, let me know. I look forward to hearing from you.

"Human I Am"

As part of my continued efforts to nab a spot on a Star Wars podcast (see this and this), I have begun writing my thoughts on that universe to show those podcast hosts that I would be a great Star Wars conversationalist.

Full Disclosure: This idea was originally proposed on an episode of Rebel Force Radio (though I cannot recall which one).

So, without further ado, I present to you: "Human I Am: The Truth Behind Yoda's Species."

One of the mysteries of the Star Wars universe has to do with Yoda's species. For one thing - we don't know what it is. That is to say, George Lucas won't tell us and won't allow authors to explore the idea. Which leaves us fans in the lurch. Amazingly, the answer has been in front of us the whole time.

In Episode VI - Return of the Jedi, Yoda tells Luke, "When nine hundred years old you reach, look as good you will not." In other words, Yoda is explaining to Luke that this is what really, really old humans look like.

"Teach you how to become super handsome as an old man, I will."

"But humans can't live to be 900 years old!" you say? That may to true of us commoners, but Yoda has the force on his side. When it comes to his imminent death, at which time Luke tells Yoda he can't die, Yoda explains, "Strong am I with the Force, but not that strong." In other words, Yoda is explaining that he has kept himself alive this long through using the force, but he cannot stave off death forever.

"But humans aren't green!" you say? Well, maybe not you and I, but have you ever noticed how the hair of some elderly individuals turns blue? Who are we to say that our skin can't turn green as we age?

"Look better as a green man, I do. Prefer me that way, the ladies do."

"But humans aren't that small!" you say? Well, there are two arguments for this issue. First: he could be a dwarf (otherwise referred to as "little person," "midget," or "person of restricted growth"). However, if you don't feel Yoda is affected by dwarfism, there is a second case to be made for his height: we humans tend to shrink as we age. After 900 years, wouldn't it be logical to assume we would grow closer to his diminutive size?

The eight life stages of man... skipping forward about 800 years between the seventh and eighth.

Finally, as an added bonus, consider Yoda's language. Researchers have found that original human language sounded a lot like how Yoda speaks. Odds are, Yoda lived through the transition to modern speaking styles, but just preferred to kick it old-school.

Impressed yet? Then shoot a message to the fine folks over at Rebel Force Radio, Full of Sith, or any other Star Wars podcast and tell them they should have B. P. Draper on as a guest.

Not impressed? Well, just wait until some point in the future when we explore the implications of Yoda's humanity (which will probably not be published until April Fools Day, since I don't really believe the argument I will be making).

Kindle MatchBook

Amazon has recently introduced a new program called "Kindle MatchBook." Essentially, if you have purchased a new copy of any of literally thousands of books that are sold on Amazon, you will be able to obtain a discounted copy of the Kindle edition of the same book for $2.99 or less.

So why am I writing about this? Because I've decided that The Complete Bubby Anthology will be participating in this program. All you have to do is purchase a paperback copy of the book now (which is currently discounted). Then, when the MatchBook program begins in October 2013, you will be able to purchase the Kindle edition for a mere 99 cents.

That's right - only $0.99. I'm knocking two dollars off what mainstream publishers will likely charge you. Why? Because you bought my book - which means I like you.

"Why Did She Have to Die?"

As you may recall, several months ago I expressed my desire to be a guest on a Star Wars podcast. Preferably Rebel Force Radio or Full of Sith. I would also accept an invitation from ForceCast, but they haven't been the same since their previous hosts left to start Rebel Force Radio.

Alas, the more I listen to these podcasts, the more I realize their guests are generally well-known for something. I however, am not well-known - I would have to sell way more books in order for that to happen. Since part of my plan to sell more books is to go on a podcast to drum up support, you can see where the cycle leaves me.

Since my book is not selling, the next best move is prove to them how great a Star Wars conversationalist I would be on their show. So, without further ado, I present: "Why Did She Have to Die?: The Real Reason Padmé Kicked the Force-Bucket."

First off - SPOILER ALERT! Anakin is Darth Vader. His wife, Padmé, dies in Episode III. Okay, now on to the lesson (prepare to have your minds blown!).

The common belief is that Padmé died of a broken heart. Why? Well, probably because that is what the script says. However, this strikes people as being a little lame. However, because of my love for Star Wars, I was willing to accept the premise, since George Lucas is known for his love of cheesy, old-style movies where a broken heart really could kill you. However, it turns out that a broken heart actually can kill you, according to WebMD.

"Obi-Wan, I looked it up on WedMD... I can die of a broken heart."

Nevertheless, the common argument against Padmé dying this way is that she had her children to live for. People also note that she tells Obi-Wan that there is "still good in him," in reference to Anakin. If she really believed this, then why would she give up? Why would a powerful woman - a queen and a senator, no less - just give up?

Why? I'll tell you why. And it is exactly because she is such an amazing, powerful, and caring woman. Padmé knew Anakin was having nightmares about her dying in childbirth. She knew he was obsessed with saving her. She knew of the horrific things he did in order to save her. She must have believed that the only way to stop him would be for her to no longer be alive for him to save. Her life in public service taught her to "fall on her own sword," as it were, to serve the greater good.

Her hope was that the good within Anakin would cause him to repent of the dark side that controlled him. Thus she told Obi-Wan that there was good in Anakin. She hoped he could help Anakin see reason now that Padmé would be out of the equation (obviously she was probably not told about how Obi-Wan left Anakin for dead on Mustafar - which seemed to put a bit of a damper on their relationship).

"Gee, Anakin, are you still bitter about me leaving you on Mustafar?"

As for her newborn children, Padmé seemed to be counting on the good inside Anakin to turn him back to the light side and care for their newborn children. She also had good reason to believe that Anakin would not be punished for his crimes since the corruption in the government provided numerous loopholes for criminals to escape jail time. In the worst case scenario, Anakin could plead insanity and serve a few months in Coruscant's psychiatirc hospital.

In summary, Padmé should be hailed for the heroic effort to save the galaxy, rather than being called a sissy for dying of a broken heart - even though her plan didn't quite work out the way she might have hoped.

So, is your mind blown yet? If so, pass on the word - B. P. Draper should be a guest on a Star Wars podcast.

Not convinced yet? Fine, I'll write some more mind-blowing content in the future.

Weird Math

Well, there isn't a lot to talk about. I am still working on my drawings for my upcoming children's book. I'm still hoping Amazon.com will recognize that Bubby I - Wanted: A Hero like None Other should be listed for free.

So, in the mean time, check out the best score I've ever achieved in ten rounds of Minesweeper.

Do you like how winning 7 out of 10 is equal to a 69% success rate? My elementary school teachers would have cried themselves to sleep if I gave that sort of answer on a test.

Is B. P. Draper Actually J. K. Rowling?

We recently learned that J. K. Rowling is actually the author known as Robert Galbraith. It seems that she used a pen name and fooled us all. What an amazingly clever woman! She could be anyone. For all we know she could be B. P. Draper.

Now you maybe wondering, "How will we ever know for sure?" Well, I'm going to tell you how you can find out.

Step one: Buy a copy of The Complete Bubby Anthology.

Step Two: Encourage your friends to buy a copy of The Complete Bubby Anthology.

Step Three: Encourage your friends to encourage their friends to buy a copy of The Complete Bubby Anthology.

Step Four: Once everyone has bought a copy (ideally over one million copies sold), everyone should read the book.

Step Five: I will finally reveal the truth as to whether I am actually J. K. Rowling.*

* Just in case any of J. K. Rowling's lawyers are reading this, I am not actually claiming to be J. K. Rowling. However, if she would like to claim to have been writing under the pen name of B. P. Draper, I wouldn't complain about the extra book sales.

What Do Camels Have To Do With It?

Did you know that you can save money on a paperback copy of The Complete Bubby Anthology? At this very moment Amazon.com has dropped the price from $10.99 to only $9.83.

According to camelcamelcamel.com (I'm not really sure what camels have to do with price tracking) the book has been discounted since May 22, 2013 at 10:41 PM. I have no idea how long this price drop will last, as I have no control over it - though I assume my royalties will still be the same.

Anyway, if you've been holding out, hoping to save a bundle, here is your chance.