"No, I Am Your Grandfather."

As you already know, I want a guest spot on a Star Wars podcast. To do this, I've made my case with some amazing insights into the Star Wars universe to show what a great guest I would be. I've already noted why Padmé's death was a heroic thing and not some ridiculous plot point. I've also argued that Yoda is actually a (really old) human.

Now, we're going to explore the impact that Yoda's humanity has had on the Star Wars universe. This latest installment is entitled: "No, I Am Your Grandfather: Yoda's Influence on the Skywalker Lineage." Full disclosure: I don't actually believe any of this, but I find it interesting nonetheless.

Prepare to have your mind blown once again: Yoda is Anakin Skywalker's father.

Now, calm your shouts of "blasphemy" and "heresy." Just hear me out. I understand that this appears goes against the statement by Anakin's mother, Shmi Skywalker, when she told Qui-Gon Jinn that "there was no father." I also understand that there is another theory which claims Chancellor Palpatine/Darth Sidious (or even Darth Plagueis) is actually Anakin's father, due to Palpatine's statements in Episode III - Revenge of the Sith, that Darth Plagueis was "so powerful and so wise he could use the Force to influence the midichlorians to create life." However, I would argue that Anakin's goodness could not exist if he were conceived as a result of Sith influences. Also, why would they not have picked him up sooner? Either one of them should have taken him away to raise Anakin as their own.

"No. I am not your father."

"So, how does Yoda come into the picture?" you may wonder. Well, it all happened a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, when Yoda was on assignment in Bespin. Shmi Skywalker - out with some girlfriends - was also there for spring break. Yoda and Shmi met at Bespin, which some say is the equivalent of Las Vegas in the Star Wars Universe. Since Shmi had a weird thing for older men - really older men - they hit it off. One thing led to another and, before they knew it, they got married at one of Bespin's 24-hour drive-thru wedding chapels.

"I need to explain something to you: I have a thing for older men... just like you have a thing for older women."

However, regardless of his feelings for her, Yoda would not leave the Jedi order. Shmi couldn't take it, so she ran off to Tatooine, where she didn't think Yoda would ever find her. After all, who would think to search for a college coed in the Outer Rim territories? However, she didn't count on falling into the hands of slavers. The bitterness she felt towards Yoda for her situation with a child in slavery led her to tell Qui-Gon, "There was no father."

"There was no father," said the woman who had been spurned.

Meanwhile, Yoda returned to Coruscant. Feeling rejected by the woman who fled for him, his heart turned cold and he began re-emphasizing the importance of celibacy in the Jedi order. He became a bit of a misogynist - yes, a misogynist - as evidenced by how few women were allowed on the Jedi Council.

Commander Gran: "The Droid Army is in full retreat."
Yoda: "Well done, commander. Bring me a sandwich."

Little did Yoda know that a few short years later, Qui-Gon would discover his son on Tatooine. Yoda realized that Anakin's extraordinary midichlorian count could only have resulted from his own high midichlorian count. Through the Force, Yoda sensed that this boy was his illegitimate son. He tried to push Anakin away by claiming that the boy was too old to be trained. However, the council went against Yoda's wishes. As Yoda tells Obi-Wan, "Agree with you, the council does. Your apprentice, Skywalker will be."

Yoda knew that if he had persisted in pushing his refusal, Mace Windu would probably go digging into why Yoda was denying Anakin training. The investigation would have led to DNA testing, which would have led to the discovery of the truth. So Yoda pulled a play right out of the Bible. Just as King David sent Bathsheba's husband into battle to have him killed, Yoda began sending Anakin on treacherous missions in the hopes of Anakin dying - along with the truth. Fortunately for Yoda, he could claim that he was merely pushing Anakin to be the best, in order to fulfill his destiny as the "chosen one." But this was all a cover for his efforts to kill Anakin.

Alas, Yoda's refusal to be a loving, doting father to Anakin, led to Anakin's choice to follow the Emperor and destroy the Jedi. If Yoda had just been willing to show a little fatherly love to Anakin, just think where the universe would be as we head into Episode VII.

"Need love and affection from me, you do not."

And so, this upcoming father's day, remember for show your children a little love. It might just shape the destiny of the galaxy.

Well, if I've convinced you that I would make a fantastic guest on any Star Wars podcast, send a message to the fine folks over at Rebel Force Radio, Full of Sith, or any other such podcast and tell them they should have B. P. Draper on as a guest.

Still unconvinced? Well, just wait until next time... I'm sure I can come up with something.