Tuesday, April 1, 2014

"No, I Am Your Grandfather."

As you already know, I want a guest spot on a Star Wars podcast. To do this, I've made my case with some amazing insights into the Star Wars universe to show what a great guest I would be. I've already noted why Padmé's death was a heroic thing and not some ridiculous plot point. I've also argued that Yoda is actually a (really old) human.

Now, we're going to explore the impact that Yoda's humanity has had on the Star Wars universe. This latest installment is entitled: "No, I Am Your Grandfather: Yoda's Influence on the Skywalker Lineage." Full disclosure: I don't actually believe any of this, but I find it interesting nonetheless.

Prepare to have your mind blown once again: Yoda is Anakin Skywalker's father.

Now, calm your shouts of "blasphemy" and "heresy." Just hear me out. I understand that this appears goes against the statement by Anakin's mother, Shmi Skywalker, when she told Qui-Gon Jinn that "there was no father." I also understand that there is another theory which claims Chancellor Palpatine/Darth Sidious (or even Darth Plagueis) is actually Anakin's father, due to Palpatine's statements in Episode III - Revenge of the Sith, that Darth Plagueis was "so powerful and so wise he could use the Force to influence the midichlorians to create life." However, I would argue that Anakin's goodness could not exist if he were conceived as a result of Sith influences. Also, why would they not have picked him up sooner? Either one of them should have taken him away to raise Anakin as their own.
"No. I am not your father."
"So, how does Yoda come into the picture?" you may wonder. Well, it all happened a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, when Yoda was on assignment in Bespin. Shmi Skywalker - out with some girlfriends - was also there for spring break. Yoda and Shmi met at Bespin, which some say is the equivalent of Las Vegas in the Star Wars Universe. Since Shmi had a weird thing for older men - really older men - they hit it off. One thing led to another and, before they knew it, they got married at one of Bespin's 24-hour drive-thru wedding chapels.
"I need to explain something to you: I have a thing for older men... just like you have a thing for older women."
However, regardless of his feelings for her, Yoda would not leave the Jedi order. Shmi couldn't take it, so she ran off to Tatooine, where she didn't think Yoda would ever find her. After all, who would think to search for a college coed in the Outer Rim territories? However, she didn't count on falling into the hands of slavers. The bitterness she felt towards Yoda for her situation with a child in slavery led her to tell Qui-Gon, "There was no father."
"There was no father," said the woman who had been spurned.
Meanwhile, Yoda returned to Coruscant. Feeling rejected by the woman who fled for him, his heart turned cold and he began re-emphasizing the importance of celibacy in the Jedi order. He became a bit of a misogynist - yes, a misogynist - as evidenced by how few women were allowed on the Jedi Council.
Commander Gran: "The Droid Army is in full retreat."
Yoda: "Well done, commander. Bring me a sandwich."
Little did Yoda know that a few short years later, Qui-Gon would discover his son on Tatooine. Yoda realized that Anakin's extraordinary midichlorian count could only have resulted from his own high midichlorian count. Through the Force, Yoda sensed that this boy was his illegitimate son. He tried to push Anakin away by claiming that the boy was too old to be trained. However, the council went against Yoda's wishes. As Yoda tells Obi-Wan, "Agree with you, the council does. Your apprentice, Skywalker will be."

Yoda knew that if he had persisted in pushing his refusal, Mace Windu would probably go digging into why Yoda was denying Anakin training. The investigation would have led to DNA testing, which would have led to the discovery of the truth. So Yoda pulled a play right out of the Bible. Just as King David sent Bathsheba's husband into battle to have him killed, Yoda began sending Anakin on treacherous missions in the hopes of Anakin dying - along with the truth. Fortunately for Yoda, he could claim that he was merely pushing Anakin to be the best, in order to fulfill his destiny as the "chosen one." But this was all a cover for his efforts to kill Anakin.

Alas, Yoda's refusal to be a loving, doting father to Anakin, led to Anakin's choice to follow the Emperor and destroy the Jedi. If Yoda had just been willing to show a little fatherly love to Anakin, just think where the universe would be as we head into Episode VII.
"Need love and affection from me, you do not."
And so, this upcoming father's day, remember for show your children a little love. It might just shape the destiny of the galaxy.

Well, if I've convinced you that I would make a fantastic guest on any Star Wars podcast, send a message to the fine folks over at Rebel Force RadioFull of Sith, or any other such podcast and tell them they should have B. P. Draper on as a guest.

Still unconvinced? Well, just wait until next time... I'm sure I can come up with something.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Full of Sith

Well that was fast.

On Friday evening I e-mailed my theory about the bonus content for Star Wars: The Clone Wars to the three Star Wars-themed podcasts I listen to: Rebel Force Radio, ForceCast, and Full of Sith. I wasn't expecting much, so I was surprised to hear my e-mail being read when I listened to this week's episode of Full of Sith.

If you're curious, you can listen to Episode XLVIII of Full of Sith for yourself. The discussion of my e-mail begins at 32:10. Admittedly, they shot down my dreams by mentioning the German TV press release that I've chosen not to believe. Also, they didn't mention my book, but I'll forgive them that. Either way, it was fun to hear my name. I figure I'm on my way to being a guest on the show. After all, they mentioned being impressed by how I researched my thoughts, rather than flying of the handle with wild rantings.

Below is the text of the e-mail I sent:

Hey Guys,
I wanted to run a theory by you all about the Clone Wars bonus content to get your input and see if my idea holds any weight. I know most people say there are approximately 3-4 story arcs, or around 12 episodes coming our way. Maybe I'm getting my hopes up, but I think we should be getting a lot more, and this is why:
1) Pablo Hidalgo, when hearing rumors in November that there were 10 episodes coming, tweeted, "That number sounds too low." Additionally, at D23 in August, he said "there's more than you think."
2) Clone Wars cast and crew often talked about working 3 years ahead. As I break it down, that means 3 years out is in writing/pre-production; 2 years out is in production, and 1 year out is completed and on the shelf. This is supported by the Rebels panel at NYCC, where it was said that Rebels would have a much shorter production schedule than The Clone Wars, which operated "approximately one year ahead of what was being aired on television" (see lightsaberrattling.com).
As I see it, the debate should not be about how much of season six we'll get, but rather how much of season seven we'll see on top of the full season six.
Anyway, I'd love to hear this debated on the show. If I'm missing something important that destroys my hopes, please let me know.
Keep up the good work,
B. P. Draper
Author of The Complete Bubby Anthology

Friday, January 17, 2014

Star Wars: The Clone Wars Rumor

Yesterday a press release about the bonus content (i.e. - season six) of Star Wars: The Clone Wars was leaked to Jedi News claiming that a German television station would be airing four story arcs (which are usually 3-4 episodes). At most that would make for 16 episodes being aired.

My first problem with this news is that I'm inclined to question any promises announced by Germany. My second problem with this news is that I want more episodes of The Clone Wars.

So, I have decided to start my own fairly-research rumor. Hold on to your hats Latino Review, you're about to get an anonymous source to reference in a future article (psst... it's me).

Spoiler Alert: The Clone Wars bonus content will include all of season six and part of season seven.

Cast and crew of The Clone Wars often talked about working three years ahead of what was airing on television. In fact, at New York Comic Con, on October 14, 2013, during a Star Wars Rebels panel, it was noted that Rebels would have a "much shorter production schedule than The Clone Wars which operated approximately one year ahead of what was being aired on television" (source: Lightsaber Rattling).

In other words, episodes being worked on three years out are in the writing/pre-production stage. Episodes being worked on two years out are in production and episodes one year out are in the can, on the shelf, waiting to be released.

In support of this theory we just have to twist the words of Pablo Hidalgo. Back in November there was rumor that there would only be 10 episodes of bonus content released. Pablo said the following:

Pablo didn't just call the idea of 10 episodes low, he called it "too low," so there must be a lot more.

Add to that Pablo's comments during a panel at D23 in August 2013, where he said the following:

That's right, he said "there's more than you think." Really? Since most everyone has been assuming 3-4 story arcs already, this must be wrong. As Pablo says, there must be more.

In other words, my rumor is right. Season six is already to go and the teams has just been working on finishing up a few episodes from season seven to add to the list.

Okay, Latino Review, take this rumor and run.