What It Means To Love Star Wars

In the interest of full disclosure, I am the sort of Star Wars fan that loves all six films. I don't make outrageous claims of George Lucas "raping" my childhood by tweaking the original trilogy (OT) films or by making the prequel trilogy (PT) films.

Rather, I choose to view the overall story as something to embrace and love while not getting hung up on the minor things that others choose to nitpick at.

"But I only rant about (insert concern here) because I love Star Wars," say certain fans.

Oh, really? That's like a man saying he only beats his wife because he loves her - that sort of logic is ridiculous!

"Relax Padmé. I'm only choking you because I love you."

Yes, I'm comparing your relationship with Star Wars to your relationship with a significant other. It is as if you "just learned the terrible truth" about her past (i.e. the PT). Now you have a decision to make: Either break up or figure out how to embrace it. Remember that you are not perfect, so you hardly have the right to demand that your partner (in this case Star Wars) be perfect either.

In the words of John Eldredge: "No woman wants to be analyzed, and many marriages fail because the man insists on treating her as a problem to be solved, rather than a mystery to be known and loved."

If you spend your time analyzing Star Wars you can find plenty of problems that you want to solve. However, it is just going to drive you crazy in the end. If you really feel George Lucas and Star Wars are so horrible, then get out of this abusive relationship and find something else to love. But don't come around me whining and criticizing what I love. It just makes you look bitter and unattractive.

If you want to claim to love Star Wars, then you should work to embrace whatever you find off-putting and try to view it as a "mystery to be known and loved." That is one reason I wrote the post about how I rationalize Padmé's death in Episode III. I'm hoping to write a few more posts in the future about how I not only justify Jar Jar's existence, but actually embrace it. I also plan to write about why Yoda would quit his fight with Darth Sidious in Episode III.

Here is one common complaint: "Anakin was so whiny in the PT. I can't respect him as Darth Vader now," Well, Luke was pretty whiny too, if you remember anything about his wanting to go to Tosche Station. Honestly, an emotionally healthy person would not likely fall to the Dark Side. I appreciate that George was smart enough to make Anakin flawed (or "whiny") because otherwise I wouldn't have believed the story of his fall.

So why do us old-timers tend to rip on the PT and not the OT? Probably because we have a tendency to view our childhood through rose-colored glasses.

For example, we overlook that Yoda told Luke, before he left Dagobah in Episode V, that his training was incomplete and was reminding him of his failure in the cave. However, the next time Yoda sees him, he's telling Luke that he knows everything he needs to know to be a Jedi. I didn't see Luke get any more training, so, which is it, Yoda? Make up your mind! Maybe Yoda was just lonely and looking for any excuse to keep Luke around so he'd have someone to talk to. Hmm?

Yoda: "Luke! Leave me do not. Lonely I am."

Speaking of which, why do we believe that Luke was nearly fully trained through his short stay on Dagobah? Since this training occurred in the time span that Han and Leia were in the asteroid field, he couldn't have been there for more than a day or two. Even being generous with the clock, you would have to assume his training lasted less than a week. So how did he learn so much in that short time when it took Anakin - and every other Jedi - years of training to get so good? I haven't seen something happen so fast in so little time since I saw Belle fall in love with the prince in one day in Beauty and the Beast (Seriously, watch the Disney film. She goes to the castle one night and by the next night she's fallen in love with him).

We complain about Jar Jar, but seem to forget how annoying people used to consider C-3PO. Admittedly, I do not consider Jar Jar to be annoying, but I should note that my kids find him hilarious and love him - just like we embraced C-3PO as children.

Another issue with the OT is that we're supposed to believe that Princess Leia is a diplomat. Well, what sort of diplomat insults the opposition the way she ripped into Tarkin? If this had been in the PT, we would have cried foul, but in the OT we're perfectly fine with it.

Making fun of another person's stench - a classic way to start peace talks.

Lastly, I would like to point out that, even though Han had a head start on his way to Cloud City in Episode V and was flying the "fastest hunk of junk in the galaxy," somehow the Empire beat him there. Lando even says, "They arrived right before you did." Well, how is that even possible?

My goal in bringing these points up is not to disparage the OT. Rather, I want to point out that none of these films are perfect, but I love them anyway. Rather than nitpick, I try to find a way to love the weaknesses and turn them into strengths. I try to look at all six films as a "mystery to be known and loved."

Leia: "I love the prequels."
Han: "I know."

So for the love of all things Star Wars, try to use your imagination as you watch the movies. Find ways to make the so-called "weaknesses" fit. For example, on the last problem I mentioned, I assume the Empire called a nearby battalion of stormtroopers to go to Cloud City so that Lando could honestly say, "They arrived right before you did," while Darth Vader was still on his way.

In conclusion, go out and enjoy all six films. And if you can't get yourself to do it, then at least stop coming to me to bash some part of the series... I'm in a committed relationship and am trying to make it work for the sake of the children (i.e. - the Sequel Trilogy).

P.S. - If you hate my point of view, the best way to get even with me is to buy a copy of the The Complete Bubby Anthology. Honestly, I will totally feel your wrath if you just do that one little thing.

Re-Branding Yourself

Remember a few years ago when Taco Bell was being sued for false advertising over the percentage of beef content of the meat their used in their food. The claims were that their "Taco Meat Filling" was only 36% beef. The rest was fillers. Taco Bell fought the suit and it was eventually dropped. However, I feel like this was a lost opportunity for the folks at Taco Bell. Just think about the possible advantages for them to have gone along with the claims of the law suit.

1) They could have marketed their menu items as "vegetarian friendly." This would have brought in a number of health-conscious customers.

Come on, this food has to be fit for vegetarians!

2) They could have marketed their menu items as "diet food." I can't think of a time that I've eaten their food where I feel like I didn't end up losing more in weight than I ate after the subsequent trip to the bathroom. Possibly they could have chosen to market their food as a laxative in a tortilla.

Speaking of laxatives: Haribo Sugarless Gummy Bears. Just read the product reviews. I am surprised that they haven't already thought to embrace the reviews and repackage these gummy bears as some sort of stool softener.

Now that we've gone down this disgusting road, you may wonder how this applies to anything on this blog. Well, I'll tell you.

When I published The Complete Bubby Anthology, I decided to embrace the fact that it was not ever going to win any awards or land on the New York Times bestseller list. I've gone so far as to admit that the book "sucks."

So, unlike the aforementioned products, I've embraced the negative side of my book. However, I think my lack of sales results more from not re-branding the negativity as something strangely positive. Perhaps I'm struggling to identify a positive spin because I am too close to the project. So, if you have any ideas, let me know. I look forward to hearing from you.

"Human I Am"

As part of my continued efforts to nab a spot on a Star Wars podcast (see this and this), I have begun writing my thoughts on that universe to show those podcast hosts that I would be a great Star Wars conversationalist.

Full Disclosure: This idea was originally proposed on an episode of Rebel Force Radio (though I cannot recall which one).

So, without further ado, I present to you: "Human I Am: The Truth Behind Yoda's Species."

One of the mysteries of the Star Wars universe has to do with Yoda's species. For one thing - we don't know what it is. That is to say, George Lucas won't tell us and won't allow authors to explore the idea. Which leaves us fans in the lurch. Amazingly, the answer has been in front of us the whole time.

In Episode VI - Return of the Jedi, Yoda tells Luke, "When nine hundred years old you reach, look as good you will not." In other words, Yoda is explaining to Luke that this is what really, really old humans look like.

"Teach you how to become super handsome as an old man, I will."

"But humans can't live to be 900 years old!" you say? That may to true of us commoners, but Yoda has the force on his side. When it comes to his imminent death, at which time Luke tells Yoda he can't die, Yoda explains, "Strong am I with the Force, but not that strong." In other words, Yoda is explaining that he has kept himself alive this long through using the force, but he cannot stave off death forever.

"But humans aren't green!" you say? Well, maybe not you and I, but have you ever noticed how the hair of some elderly individuals turns blue? Who are we to say that our skin can't turn green as we age?

"Look better as a green man, I do. Prefer me that way, the ladies do."

"But humans aren't that small!" you say? Well, there are two arguments for this issue. First: he could be a dwarf (otherwise referred to as "little person," "midget," or "person of restricted growth"). However, if you don't feel Yoda is affected by dwarfism, there is a second case to be made for his height: we humans tend to shrink as we age. After 900 years, wouldn't it be logical to assume we would grow closer to his diminutive size?

The eight life stages of man... skipping forward about 800 years between the seventh and eighth.

Finally, as an added bonus, consider Yoda's language. Researchers have found that original human language sounded a lot like how Yoda speaks. Odds are, Yoda lived through the transition to modern speaking styles, but just preferred to kick it old-school.

Impressed yet? Then shoot a message to the fine folks over at Rebel Force Radio, Full of Sith, or any other Star Wars podcast and tell them they should have B. P. Draper on as a guest.

Not impressed? Well, just wait until some point in the future when we explore the implications of Yoda's humanity (which will probably not be published until April Fools Day, since I don't really believe the argument I will be making).

Kindle MatchBook

Amazon has recently introduced a new program called "Kindle MatchBook." Essentially, if you have purchased a new copy of any of literally thousands of books that are sold on Amazon, you will be able to obtain a discounted copy of the Kindle edition of the same book for $2.99 or less.

So why am I writing about this? Because I've decided that The Complete Bubby Anthology will be participating in this program. All you have to do is purchase a paperback copy of the book now (which is currently discounted). Then, when the MatchBook program begins in October 2013, you will be able to purchase the Kindle edition for a mere 99 cents.

That's right - only $0.99. I'm knocking two dollars off what mainstream publishers will likely charge you. Why? Because you bought my book - which means I like you.

"Why Did She Have to Die?"

As you may recall, several months ago I expressed my desire to be a guest on a Star Wars podcast. Preferably Rebel Force Radio or Full of Sith. I would also accept an invitation from ForceCast, but they haven't been the same since their previous hosts left to start Rebel Force Radio.

Alas, the more I listen to these podcasts, the more I realize their guests are generally well-known for something. I however, am not well-known - I would have to sell way more books in order for that to happen. Since part of my plan to sell more books is to go on a podcast to drum up support, you can see where the cycle leaves me.

Since my book is not selling, the next best move is prove to them how great a Star Wars conversationalist I would be on their show. So, without further ado, I present: "Why Did She Have to Die?: The Real Reason Padmé Kicked the Force-Bucket."

First off - SPOILER ALERT! Anakin is Darth Vader. His wife, Padmé, dies in Episode III. Okay, now on to the lesson (prepare to have your minds blown!).

The common belief is that Padmé died of a broken heart. Why? Well, probably because that is what the script says. However, this strikes people as being a little lame. However, because of my love for Star Wars, I was willing to accept the premise, since George Lucas is known for his love of cheesy, old-style movies where a broken heart really could kill you. However, it turns out that a broken heart actually can kill you, according to WebMD.

"Obi-Wan, I looked it up on WedMD... I can die of a broken heart."

Nevertheless, the common argument against Padmé dying this way is that she had her children to live for. People also note that she tells Obi-Wan that there is "still good in him," in reference to Anakin. If she really believed this, then why would she give up? Why would a powerful woman - a queen and a senator, no less - just give up?

Why? I'll tell you why. And it is exactly because she is such an amazing, powerful, and caring woman. Padmé knew Anakin was having nightmares about her dying in childbirth. She knew he was obsessed with saving her. She knew of the horrific things he did in order to save her. She must have believed that the only way to stop him would be for her to no longer be alive for him to save. Her life in public service taught her to "fall on her own sword," as it were, to serve the greater good.

Her hope was that the good within Anakin would cause him to repent of the dark side that controlled him. Thus she told Obi-Wan that there was good in Anakin. She hoped he could help Anakin see reason now that Padmé would be out of the equation (obviously she was probably not told about how Obi-Wan left Anakin for dead on Mustafar - which seemed to put a bit of a damper on their relationship).

"Gee, Anakin, are you still bitter about me leaving you on Mustafar?"

As for her newborn children, Padmé seemed to be counting on the good inside Anakin to turn him back to the light side and care for their newborn children. She also had good reason to believe that Anakin would not be punished for his crimes since the corruption in the government provided numerous loopholes for criminals to escape jail time. In the worst case scenario, Anakin could plead insanity and serve a few months in Coruscant's psychiatirc hospital.

In summary, Padmé should be hailed for the heroic effort to save the galaxy, rather than being called a sissy for dying of a broken heart - even though her plan didn't quite work out the way she might have hoped.

So, is your mind blown yet? If so, pass on the word - B. P. Draper should be a guest on a Star Wars podcast.

Not convinced yet? Fine, I'll write some more mind-blowing content in the future.

Weird Math

Well, there isn't a lot to talk about. I am still working on my drawings for my upcoming children's book. I'm still hoping Amazon.com will recognize that Bubby I - Wanted: A Hero like None Other should be listed for free.

So, in the mean time, check out the best score I've ever achieved in ten rounds of Minesweeper.

Do you like how winning 7 out of 10 is equal to a 69% success rate? My elementary school teachers would have cried themselves to sleep if I gave that sort of answer on a test.

Is B. P. Draper Actually J. K. Rowling?

We recently learned that J. K. Rowling is actually the author known as Robert Galbraith. It seems that she used a pen name and fooled us all. What an amazingly clever woman! She could be anyone. For all we know she could be B. P. Draper.

Now you maybe wondering, "How will we ever know for sure?" Well, I'm going to tell you how you can find out.

Step one: Buy a copy of The Complete Bubby Anthology.

Step Two: Encourage your friends to buy a copy of The Complete Bubby Anthology.

Step Three: Encourage your friends to encourage their friends to buy a copy of The Complete Bubby Anthology.

Step Four: Once everyone has bought a copy (ideally over one million copies sold), everyone should read the book.

Step Five: I will finally reveal the truth as to whether I am actually J. K. Rowling.*

* Just in case any of J. K. Rowling's lawyers are reading this, I am not actually claiming to be J. K. Rowling. However, if she would like to claim to have been writing under the pen name of B. P. Draper, I wouldn't complain about the extra book sales.